It has just occurred to me that it was about one year ago now that Iva first began to experience her symptoms. For a whole year now she has been sick. When she looks back over this last year, she sees nothing but loss. I can't say I would feel differently, if I were her. But since I am not, I have a slightly different perspective. I see a woman who has made it through some pretty insurmontable obstacles. I see triumph. I see accomplishment. Just in her being here still. Unfortunately, my perspective does not matter. It only matters what Iva feels in her heart. And in her heart she is still lost. She is still mourning. She is still deeply deeply sad.
What good does it do to have life if you can't live it under your own terms? That is the real issue. What good does all her past experiences do her when she can do nothing with them? For example, her degrees in organic farming. Due to her physical limitations there is no way she can be out on a farm using her skills and knowledge. She can't even teach because it also requires hands on research.
She can't just pick up and go places, carefree and spontaneously. She can't stand the way she looks. She doesn't see that her eyes and smile are still infectious and beautiful. She only sees what is not. She only sees her limitations. It is easy when you are dealing with them day in and day out to have what you can't do be all that you can see. I reread some of my earlier posts and was struck by how incredible it was when she did little things, like lifting her feet off the floor and onto the couch. How we quietly celebrated those small victories! Now she can walk all over without crutches. She can pretty much eat anything. The reasons she spends so much time in bed these days are not so much for physical reasons.
Our Iva is badly battered and bruised. I was not aware of it. I went to work every day. I came home and took care of the usual chores. I cared for the kids. We stressed over money. We stressed over being to pay for her needs. We became consumed by these things. We were going about our new routines. It is easy once you settle into a routine to not see things that are always there. You become acclimated to their shining brilliance, so much so that you no longer notice them. And that is what has happened with Iva. She is always here now, doing these things she has been doing for months now, and I failed to see her.
Her heart is aching and I don't know how to help. It is pure tragedy.
It won't help her much, but perhaps telling Iva that those of us who did not know her before she came to America see her in this way:
ReplyDeleteIva is a valiant young woman courageously fighting for her life. It is amazing what she has accomplished in the past year, with all the losses and ill health, and anger, and confusion, and loss of "self." Most people would have given up. Most people would have gone back to Macedonia and quietly waited to die. Iva did not. She came here, and she is amazing.
That's what those of us who did not know her, see now. We don't see CANCER. We see IVA. We don't see the missing hair, or the missing organs, or the loss of strength. We see a fighter. We see beauty in her smile, and in her joy of being with her brother's family. We see someone who is lovely in spite of cancer.
I have, for the last time, entered the M&MS Sweepstakes. The contest ends tonight at midnight. I'm not sure when the winner is announced, but I am praying that it's me.
Then, you guys can pay off the rest of the debt, and perhaps afford to have Iva see a counselor (there is a group in Clear Lake City who accepts uninsured patients on a sliding pay scale). I think it might help Iva to talk with other cancer survivors, or at least to be able to speak her mind to an uninterested party.
I have to say, it's somehow weirdly amusing that they have turned Iva's debt over to a collection agency!
We are praying for all of you, but especially for Iva.
Love, Sue.
Oh my Gosh, i am reading this and i perfectly now how you feel. I am in America too, while my father and brother are fighting against my father's liver (sarcoma) cancer. It is really hard to see those who you love suffereing and feeling bad.And not be able to help.
ReplyDeleteI hope that she can make through this.. I send her courrage and best wishes..