Another round

Iva is undergoing another round (her fourth) of chemotherapy. She will finish on Tuesday. So far she has been feeling tired and just plain yucky.

She told me today that she does not want to take the last round of chemo. She was suppose to take 6 rounds and then see about surgery and/or radiation. She doesn't see the point in taking that last round, and really just wants to not do it. Chemo is harder on her than any of us understand. She doesn't believe in it. She is enduring it just to please her family. I really don't think she believes it is helping her at all. There is something about it that really upsets her. She doesn't confide in me that much, but I get the sense that she is not coping with this new life all that well. I mean, really, it is a lot for anyone to handle.

Before she came here, I had only met Iva twice and had spent only a few days with her. Not enough to know her. So this whole time I have been thinking how great she is handling this whole thing, and now I have seen that I was mistaken. She doesn't want to go places because of the physical changes she has undergone. She has no confidence in this new body of hers. She doesn't feel like a person, I don't think, and definitely does not feel like a woman any longer. She has lost a whole lot of herself and the bits that are left she does not feel good about. It is tragic. So terribly tragic, because she doesn't seem to have the strength to keep on fighting. I worry for her. I worry for her life. I worry for her heart. I just hope she finds some value in what she has left. Enough at least to endure the fight ahead.